


blink and he’s there

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Illness, Schizophrenia, Strangers to Lovers, Uni AU, some internalized ableism surrounding dan’s hallucinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 02:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21007919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dan’s barely scraping by at uni due to his schizophrenia.  When Phil misses a class, he asks Dan to help him with what he missed.This is basically just angst that quickly morphs into tooth-rotting fluff.written for the 2019 phandom bingo, for the prompts Starbucks Sofa and Hallucinations.





	blink and he’s there

**Author's Note:**

> hello. enjoy. leave me comments or kudos or something or another because i like validation.
> 
> follow me on tumblr @iamalwaysclowning :)

They say he’s sick.

They’ve been saying he’s sick for ages now.

Since he was 14, if he’s really going to count. Or at least Dan thinks it was 14. It gets hard to distinguish sometimes between what’s real and not, what actually happened and what he just imagined.

It gets tiring too, but Dan never says that. Just closes his eyes and tries to sleep before the visions come again, because they’re never going to go away. That’s what terrifies him most, that he’s going to live his whole life like this. Blinking, untrusting, not knowing what’s real.

High school was a constant meltdown, a constant rushing in and out of hospital waiting rooms and classrooms. Blink and it’s there. Blink and it’s gone. That’s still how it is, really.

Less hospitals now, though. Dan’s long learned to avoid them, and they’ve learned to dismiss him. Going there’s never landed him with anything but a bill that’s more than he can afford and a prescription to medications that never worked. There’s still classes now, university ones (Dan’s still not sure how he got in) and life still seems like constant movement. Into a room, out of a room. Walk home, into a room again. Try to concentrate on homework until the words blur and he’s certain that something is standing behind him, then bury his head in a pillow so he can’t see anything anymore.

And repeat, and repeat.

Class is over now, a long lecture that Dan maybe caught five minutes of, since he keeps seeing a movement behind him, a shadow that changes every minute. The girl behind him probably thinks he’s crazy for how many times he’s turned around, eyes darting, looking scared out of his mind. It’s not like the girl behind him is wrong, but it still hurts Dan when she goes out of her way to stay far away from him afterwards. Dan puts his hood up and casts his eyes down, trying to ignore the cracks that keep forming under his feet.

Something taps his shoulder. Dan flinches, and when he turns around it’s the same way he does in class, when he thinks he sees something behind him but knows it’s not really there. Eyes narrow, gaze, as always, untrusting.

“Hey!” 

It’s a guy, at least until it morphs into something else. It’s cute, too, which is Dan’s first red flag. Guys he makes up are always cute at first. The part of his brain that makes up things knows his type better than the rest of him does.

Still, just in case the guy is real, Dan tries not to sound too off. Most of his past meet-cutes (and to be honest, there haven’t been many) have ended with him looking at the person too strangely, acting too weird for it to go anywhere. In one memorable high school experience, Dan had yelled at the dude who was about to ask him out to disappear. He’d avoided that guy for the rest of the year.

“Hi,” Dan says. He smiles. The guy smiles back, and Dan squints. He hasn’t changed yet.

He’s holding a notebook in his hand, tapping it nervously. Dan wonders what his therapist would say about this new manifestation of Dan’s emotions. “I’m from your class,” the guy says, still smiling awkwardly. “Uh, you probably know that. But maybe you don’t!” 

Dan blushes. (He didn’t know. He still doesn’t know if he’s real.)

“Anyway, I wasn’t here Thursday, and you seem nice, and don’t know anyone in this class, and the professor kind of scares me, so I was wondering if you could explain what we did? I’d buy you lunch. Or coffee or something, whatever.” The guy laughs. He looks more nervous than before. Well, he matches Dan that way at least. 

His mind tells him that’s because he is Dan, but he tries to ignore that.

(He’s too real to be imaginary, right?)

(Right?)

Dan doesn’t fucking know. He doesn’t know most things.

“Sure,” Dan says. (He’s not sure why. He’s never talked to this guy before.) For some reason he’s feeling bold though, so he asks. “Does tomorrow work for you?”

The guy really grins, and god, he really is cute. “Yes! Meet at Starbucks?”

“Sure,” Dan says again. He doesn’t want to sound too eager. “Does one work for you?”

“Yep!”

This guy is really friendly, Dan’s realizing. And nice too, and good at making Dan smile, and fuck, Dan’s blushing again.

“I’m Dan.”

“Phil,” the guy says. (That doesn’t sound like the kind of name Dan’s mind would make up, but what does he know.)

Dan has a lot of things he wants to ask, but he just nods. “See you tomorrow, Phil.”

He’s still smiling as he walks back to his dorm. It’s the first time Dan can remember that happening. It’s the first time walking without looking at the ground.

———

Dan read somewhere that the sky is bluer in October because of the angle of the sun and how that affects the amount of blue light that reaches people’s eyes, and he doesn’t know how correct that is, but he certainly believes it now. The sky is bluer than he’s ever seen as he walks to Starbucks.

(Or maybe he just never noticed it before. That’s more probable.)

(Sometimes Dan hates how much his hallucinations affect his life.)

Dan’s nervous today. Last night he was too. Last night he spent far too much time going over his notes from the lecture and trying to explain why to his roommate.

“He has a crush on you,” his roommate told him. “Trust me.”

Dan had rolled his eyes and turned back to his notes.

“Is he cute?”

(He didn’t even bother to turn around for that one.)

But anyway, he’s nervous now. He probably also knows that lecture better than any of the others he’s done. At least he’ll have that if this guy ends up being rude, or creepy, or scared of Dan after Dan does something weird. (Or a hallucination, but Dan doesn’t want to think about that.)

(He really doesn’t want to think about that.)

But he’s at Starbucks now, so he takes in a breath and tries to ignore the lengths he’s already gone for a guy he’s barely met. He almost rolls his eyes at himself, just like his roommate did when he left today, armed with his bag of notebooks.

So Dan steps inside. (He pretends that step doesn’t make him nervous.) He grips the strap of the bag tighter, fidgeting with it, scanning the room for where Phil might be.

“Dan!” Dan turns. Phil is there, right behind him. Dan blinks, but he doesn’t flicker at all. “You came!”

Dan smiles, almost real again already. “I did. You’d better get me coffee now.” He laughs. 

(Dan’s never been good at jokes.)

Phil just nods (happily, Dan thinks. Dan thinks a lot of things.). “I will. What do you want?”

“Uh, a latte. Vanilla,” he adds, because what the hell, he’s not paying for it.

Phil nods again. He’s still smiling. Dan doesn’t know how he’s still smiling, but he is. Surely that must tire him out? “Great! I’ll get them, if you want to find a spot.”

“Ok.”

So while Phil waits in line, Dan wanders over to one of the sofas in the corner and sits. (He tries to relax. He fails.)

Soon, or at least Dan thinks it’s soon, Phil comes back, setting Dan’s cup down beside him. Dan’s not sure exactly what Phil’s holding, but he can tell it’s iced and looks sweet as fuck, so pretty similar to what Dan’s seen of Phil’s personality so far. He sits down next to Dan on the sofa, far too close and yet not close enough, so their legs are nearly touching but just not quite. Dan can feel the warmth in his cheeks. He looks away instead of at Phil, ignoring it, and instead grabs his notes.

“Right. So, uh, Thursday.”

“Yeah. I realized later that I probably should have just asked to see your notes instead of taking up your time like this, so I’m sorry about that, but thank you again!”

Dan laughs. It sounds forced. (His mind is still on Phil’s fucking leg.) “You talk fast.”

Phil laughs too. “I’ve been told that, yes.” His right leg shifts a bit, touching Dan’s. Dan’s fingers shake, and he almost drops his notebook. Instead he sets it down quickly, picking up his coffee instead and taking a big gulp. It burns Dan’s tongue, but he swallows it anyways.

“So do you just want to see my notes and go?” Dan hopes Phil doesn’t say yes. 

Phil shrugs, looking awkwardly at Dan. “I mean, if you want I can.”

“And what if I don’t want?” Dan is blushing so fucking much right now, and that was probably the boldest thing he’s said in years, but he has no regrets.

“Well,” Phil says, “then I’d rather you stay. They say it’s better to study together.”

Dan takes another gulp of coffee. He’s starting to feel jittery from the caffeine, but then again, he was already jittery. “Yeah, especially since my notes are pretty bad. You picked a terrible person to get the notes off of.”

Phil shrugs. “I think I picked the best person,” he says. (Is that flirting? That sounds like flirting.) “This is already a better conversation than ninety percent of the ones I’ve had recently.”

Dan shakes his head mockingly. “Wow, you must have had some bad conversations.”

“Plus you’re cute,” Phil adds, so nonchalant about it, and shrugs.

Dan blinks. Phil’s there. He blinks again, but Phil’s still there. He can feel the warmth of Phil’s leg against his. His mouth still burns from the coffee Phil got him. He’s definitely real. Dan already knew he was definitely real.

“Are you joking?”

“Nope.” Dan thinks Phil’s blushing now too, matching Dan’s own cheeks.

“Are you sure?” When Phil shakes his head, Dan almost laughs out loud. (He’s not sure why. Shock, maybe.) “Is this a date, then?”

Phil’s hands grip his sugar-drink-thing tighter. “It can be, if you want. It doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to go on a date with me, obviously. We can be friends! Or we can not be friends if you rather we just forgot this, but I’d kind of prefer being friends to that, and to be honest I’d kind of prefer dating to that. But friends is good—”

“Phil.” Dan smiles. Phil stops talking. “I think you’re cute too.”

“Oh.”

Dan takes a deep breath. “And I’d love for this to be a date.”

“Oh.” Phil grins. “Wow! That’s amazing.” 

Dan blinks. (Phil’s there.) He blinks again. (Phil’s still there.)

(Amazing, Phil said.)

“We should probably study,” Dan says.

(It is amazing.)

**Author's Note:**

> say hi on tumblr @iamalwaysclowning :)


End file.
